Jay - a small name, a spiritual giant.
The day I met Jay, was a day I will never forget.
Below, you will read an excerpt from a letter I wrote this man named Jay - my earthly angel.
" I also wanted to say a huge thank you, from the bottom of my heart for obeying God that day. I believe you were right on in saying that you were not at our house because of Shiloh, but by divine appointment. Jay, I wish, so much, you could see what has been happening in my life. The connections, the verses, the pages of a book, a bible study... it's ALL connecting! I have been in tears, being broken, mended, molded, and in awe of just how absolutely AMAZING my God is!! The God I love and serve, the one who, at times I doubt, felt it so necessary to intercede on my behalf that he sent a Beth Moore Bible study, an AMAZING book (which I do HIGHLY recommend to you!), and you! He sent them all to me, as a perfectly assembled gift, just for me. You asked me, "What would you think.... if God had allowed, for a time, to make your memory the way that it is. What would you say? How would that make you feel?" My answer to you, in tears, was, "loved by God."
If you want to know what it feels like to KNOW you are loved by God, you should request a neatly, beautifully, and lovingly assembled package - designed in perfection, by the Creator himself just for you. There are no words that I can use to adequately - even eloquently - describe how loved I have felt by God.
Thank you. Thank you for your obedience to say hard things, to listen to the promptings of the Holy Spirit, and to press in, and press through - despite or in spite of my resistance.
Jason asked me after you left... and after I stopped crying, "So, what do you think about the night? How would you describe it?" The first word out of my mouth was, "Creepy." But, honestly, I just had no words to describe being completely and utterly emotionally stripped. I felt naked before you. It was as if you could see all the secrets deep down in my heart and it was a terribly vulnerable place to be in. It was "creepy", but for as strange and vulnerable as it felt, it felt good to be saying some of those things.
What surprised me the most was the level of intensity of which I cried when I had to talk about losing my 7 babies - even over being raped. I did not realize how much I blamed God for that and how deeply hurt I felt by the feelings that He did not protect my precious little babies. That as I lied in bed each night crying out to God to protect them, then I would lose them, how much hurt and resentment that had built up in me. How that had built a wall of distrust in me - in the One who, in His very nature, has protected me my entire life. I blamed myself for the rapes, but worse than that, I blamed God for the loss of all my angels........... and wow............... just like that, I can still be brought to tears with this conversation.
At any rate, I wanted to thank you. "Thank you" just does not seem sufficient enough for your obedience to God that day, but it's all I have. At some point, I would love to open the doors of communication with you to see how Jason and I might be able to partner with you and your wife - as prayer partners and possibly financial partners. Jason said, "Watching Jay work with you was like watching a spiritual surgeon. He began prepping earlier in the day and got you ready, then evening fell and I watched you lay your body down as he performed a spiritual heart surgery. What God worked through him was one of the coolest things I've ever seen."
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That was Jay. Jay, for a 9 hour period of time, spoke God's love and truth to me. He was a divine appointment, orchestrated by God, just for me.
How do you fully surrender to God - lay it ALL down, at the feet of the cross.
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